So, I made a game.

Like, not me by myself.  But with a team.  

I’ve actually been working on a virtual reality game with a team of people.  If you want to see what that’s like, you can check out this vid. 

But with that same team, we signed up for ArcJam 2021 and we made a game in a weekend.  It’s called Gremlins in Space! 

I’m actually really proud of it.  

I’m actually really ashamed of all of the issues and errors that I know are there that I cannot continue to fix.  

This plays in pretty heavily to Imposter Syndrome and all of my issues with not feeling good enough, or worthful, or important.

Like, I know that I’m good at things.  I know I am capable of completing good things.  But my brain focuses on all of the real and factual evidence that I have of failure.  Of being looked over for someone else.  For being discarded.  For not living up to my potential.  Or what I think is my potential.  For not fitting in or not being able to actually finish seemingly anything.

So it’s really, really hard for me to focus on my craft and actually say “I’m a writer.”  To spend time on this and think of it as more than just a hobby, because if it’s just a hobby, it’s so far down the list of what I need to spend time on that it never gets done.  And I want to change that.  As I’ve said, I enjoy writing.  I feel good creating things and worlds and words.  I enjoy sharing myself in a desperate bid for attention, because I honestly do not feel that I’m worth spending time and attention on.  

Have I mentioned that a good chunk of this writing, of this exercise, is to practice being openly vulnerable?  Because I cover myself with such a thick coat of invulnerable shell that it’s hard for people to approach or open up to me.  Which is why, I think, that I know a lot of people, but I don’t have very many close friends.  And it sucks.

So, about this game we made.  

I produced it, wrote most of it, directed most of it, and am very proud of our accomplishments.  It is not perfect and never should be after making it in less than a week.  65 hours.  And, for what it is, it’s pretty good.  I think.  

It has both made me very much want to win, as well as to maybe actually take the time and write other games in ArcWeave for itch.io.  

I absolutely love the art style we used on the game.  The drawn characters with the rest of the elements from royalty/copyright free websites that we ran through Photoshop real quick.  I think it looks very distinguished and professional for 10 seconds of manipulation.  Then spend the creative time working on the actual writing, gameplay, and characters.  It also helped me flesh out the world.  I found this cat picture, therefore a cat will be in the game.  I found this hallway, so this corridor will have 5 exits and ways to move through the ship.  I’ll add a closet for flavor text.  

Creating puzzles was hard.  Testing the puzzles was harder.

And the hardest thing was that I figured out how to code ArcScript so that the variables and rolls actually work.  I’m very very proud of my work.  

And it makes me want to do more.  

But do I spend time working on that?  Do I spend time working on the house?  Do I spend time looking for jobs that pay my bills?  Do I spend time working on some other side hustle that will better pay our bills?  Do I work on mental health?  Do I art?

And then the Anxiety and Executive Dysfunction come in and I freeze and have difficulty working on anything.  

Remind me to talk about Cognitive Distortions at some point.  Because All or Nothing Thinking hits me pretty freaking hard All The Time.

So, I guess my current MO is to just try to do it all, but pace myself into a setting that is both doable and varied.  Don’t just do one thing, do all the things, but a little bit at a time.  I guess.  

Anyway.  I made a game.  Please go play it.